Friday, April 8, 2011

Spring has Sprung!

Except I'm still wearing my winter clothing. There is something in the air as well. A tightness in my chest tells me this. I'm trying not to panic, at least not as much as I did several weeks ago to the extent I would land myself into the ER.

At my age you just need to rule everything out. That plus the fact I was also experiencing deja vu from remembering that my husband had also been experiencing similar symptoms as I was. We did not panic, he did not get himself to the ER, consequently I've been a widow going on nine years.

So I tell myself understandably I would become somewhat alarm and want to check things out.

Still, the other day the same symptoms came and this time I purposely waited it out, hoping that I was doing the right thing. The tightness comes and goes, and the inability to take a full breath as well. Of course when I dwell on it more, it worsens, when I get busy with other things it lessens. This tells me to take it minute by minute.

The fact that I also suffer a panic disorders since adolescent doesn't help the situation any. Like anyone with an affliction we learn to live with these shortcomings. Except for me I look totally okay on the outside, yet try to explain to anyone why I don't venture out sometimes is an exercise in futility. So goes the old saying "walk in my shoes," then perhaps an understanding will arise.

I think all this helps in my writing to the extent that I know characters as do people do or not do things because of underlining, sometimes well hidden causes.

None of us want to be known as "nutcases." Or unable to cope with what this world can throw at us. Although the world is getting crazier and things are well pretty stressful.

I came across the sentence in a newscast about the recent aftershock in Japan by a coincidentally 64 year old woman.

"Even the way the clouds move isn't right."

I thought to myself, that's how I have been regarding the weather here as well. I mean I look up into the sky and there is something more there and if we make ourselves become more aware of what is going on on this earth then perhaps we can get some insight as to what is really happening.

Yes there are the prophecies notably what is supposed to happen in the year 2012, specifically December 21, 2012 by what the Mayan calendar tells us.

Yet cultures before us who have thrived and passed on all prophesy the end of days and if any of them had occurred I would not now be writing this blog.

Fortunately, I don't dwell much on that stuff. You can't because it is beyond anyone's control to do anything about it.

I pretty much live in the present. At times the present presents me occurrences that can throw me into a tailspin. This past winter was difficult for me in terms of getting through it. Maybe because I'm older, feel less able to handle things as well as I used to and know my body no matter how well I take care of it is getting more fragile as time goes by.

Yet every day I make it a point to do something purposeful, especially with my writing. Under my pen name I work on my mini series. And continue on a project involving letters between my mom and dad during WWII. Talk about scary times. I may have been born after the war but the effects of that time affected my childhood in ways that only now I am beginning to put together.

I think I can only say for now my father survived the war, but my mom who waited for him here on the homefront did not in terms of a mental illness that caused her to suffer huge emotional, psychological, as well as neurological disorders throughout my and my sister's developmental years.

Holy cow! Enough of that.

I'm going to go out and see if I can spot some more Robins. There is a thin veil of clouds covering the sky allowing no sun to come through. No wonder I'm so contemplative, and delving into a past that still carries so many truths and revelations.

And even I can say here thousands of miles from that other 64-year-old woman, "Even the way the clouds move isn't right."